What I Long For
by KillerAkuma
Summary: I long for a place where I can be myself. I longed for a place where they didn't judge me for what I am and what I'm becoming. I wanted to belong and consider you all family but after the Ark you all didn't trust me anymore…. I just wanted to belong somewhere.


**What I Long For**

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 _The time has come for me to go_

 _So let me bow and end this show_

 _The truth that's heard is a lie_

 _For I will find him, even if die_

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"Cross Marian has been announced dead. He's body was not found but a large quantity of blood was at the scene. A bullet hole was in his mask means he had been shot but other than that nothing else is known of his death. His innocence – Judgement – has been found at the scene but his innocence had appeared to be destroyed or taken. That is all I have to say." With that Komui took his leave, leaving me with wide eyes and staring at the floor. I couldn't believe master was dead after all he had escaped death countless of times. I may have wished death upon him a couple times but I knew it would never happen, so he can't be dead. He just can't.

I stared at the ground as my mind became blank, something in my mind seemed to flick as if someone had turned off a light. Something had been switched off. I stared blankly at the ground in front of me as I lifted my left hand, staring at my palm as I slowly fisted it and looked up.

The very thought of the man, I nearly thought of a deranged uncle being dead made me feel empty, dead. I just couldn't – wouldn't – believe his dead, which he isn't.

Cross just went back into hiding. Yeah, that's where he's gone. He's just running from the Order again and I'll be sent to go find him. This 'Cross being dead' is just a cruel joke. Haha, just a cruel joke.

A laugh left my lips causing the people around me to look at me strangely; it held no emotion behind it as Lenalee walked over to me, her violet eyes looking at me with worry. "Allen is everything alright?"

I turned my gaze to Lenalee, my mercury eyes dulled and dead, the smile I gave her held no emotion. My voice was monotone as I answered her simply. "Everything is fine but I have to go and find someone. He's probably worried or concerned about me."

Lenalee looked at me with confusion as she tilted her head. "Who is this person?"

I smiled at her widely as she just noticed that it held no warmth or any sort of emotion, I looked at her with half lidded eyes. "Lenalee, I have to find him. He's probably run off again and I'm going to have to go find him."

I turned on my heel, leaving the room with a smile on my face, some of the occupants in the room looked at me with a mixture of worry, fear and concern. I honestly don't know why they would or why I should care. They all just people, right?

People are people who are meant to die one day. There is no bother having emotions for I have only had death and destruction in my life. Everyone I've cared about keeps dying and I just don't want to feel the pain I do when they die so I'll hide it behind my best mask and smile.

The corner of my eyes burned as tears ran down my cheeks, I looked down allowing my hair to cover my face as I ran to my room, tears freely flowing from my reddening eyes. I flung my door open and closed it, leaning against it as I slowly slid to the ground, curling up as I rested my head in my knees, quiet sobs leaving my lips. I covered my right hand to muffle the sobs as I sat there for what felt like hours.

Once the tears had stopped running down my cheeks and the sobs had turned into shaky breaths as someone knocked on the door, I ignored it as I looked up and stared blankly at the wall in front of me. I was still curled up as a couple more knocks were heard on the door before Lavi's voice was heard through the thick wood. "Hey buddy, ar' ya alrigh'? I heard wha' happened and I came to see if ya were alrigh'."

I listened to Lavi shuffle from foot to foot from the other side of the door, a soft voice was heard from Lavi before he turned and left. "Just…hang in there buddy, everythin' will be alrigh'."

I listened to Lavi's footsteps get quieter until I could hear nothing but the rain gently hitting the window. After a minute or two I moved from my curled form from in front of the door over to the bed, leaning against the wall as the rain and dark clouds casted shadows throughout my room.

After everything happening with the fourteenth and everything my mind and body had weakened not that most people would have noticed but finding out the Master was dead really put the nail in my coffin. The fourteenth's voice echoed in my mind but I never really noticed it because I just ignored everything.

Days flown by and I finally decided to start looking for master, my skin had turned ghostly pale and the skin on my face had sunken in slightly and I had lost weight. I pushed myself off my bed and grabbed my exorcist's coat which was at the end of my bed. I threw on my coat, putting the hood up on it before making my way down to the entrance of the Order.

After looking around the busy streets of the London I made my way back to the Order, slouched over slightly as I entered the Order and made myself to the cafeteria, where I ordered only three plates of food and some Dangos.

I nibbled at my food as Finders and Exorcists glanced at me, I finished with my small meal as I walked my plates back over to Jerry. I sat them down and made my way to leave the room when Lenalee walked up to me, concern etched into her features as I looked away from her gaze. "Allen… How are you coping with Cross being dead? Everyone said that you hadn't been seen in nearly a week since it was announced. Everyone's worried about you Allen. Please talk to us, your friends."

I looked down blankly as I tried to move around her, not feeling or wanting to answer her. She stepped in front of me and I narrowed my eyes, I slowly looked up at her as I responded. "I'm fine but I have to go back to looking for him… I don't have time to deal with this, Lenalee."

"Allen! Listen to me… All your friends are worried about you and we want to help you through this but you won't listen to us." Lenalee grabbed my hands as I ripped them away from her as if they were coated in acid or if they brunt me.

"I said I had to go Lenalee. Leave me alone." I growled slightly as I pushed past her, everyone in the room now looking at the two of us talk.

Lenalee grabbed my shoulder as she spun me around, I growled as she shook my shoulder before allowing her hand to fall to her side. "Allen! Listen! We just want to help you but you keep pushing us away! Tell us what's wrong!"

"Lenalee! Leave me alone! I have to find Master! I need to find the last thing that I consider family!" I turned on my heel and was about to storm away when Lenalee grabbed my arm and spun me around.

"Allen, he's not coming back. Stop searching for what you can't find!" She pleaded as I pulled my arm away, a deep frown on my lips as I fisted my hands, taking a step forward.

"NO! He isn't DEAD! I just have to find him again!" I gritted my teeth and was about to turn around when a slap was heard throughout the dining hall. My head was snapped to the side as I slowly raised a hand to touch my reddening right cheek.

"HE'S DEAD, ALLEN! HE'S NOT COMING BACK!" Lenalee had tears brimming in her eyes as her body shook.

"No," I looked down and raised my voice; it was filled with pain and sorrow, "NO! HE'S NOT DEAD! HE CAN'T BE! HE CAN'T! NOT AFTER EVERYTHING I'VE BEEN THROUGH BECAUSE OF HIM! NOT AFTER ALL THE SHIT I'VE BEEN PUT THROUGH AND ALL THE FUCKING DEBTS! I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT THE LAST THING TO FAMILY I HAVE IS DEAD! HE WAS THE ONLY THING I HAD LEFT! SO DON'T TELL ME HE'S DEAD WHEN HE ISN'T!"

Tears poured down my cheeks as I ran from the room, leaving a crying Lenalee in my wake. I wiped at my cheeks as I stumbled down the halls. I ran into Lavi as I stumbled back slightly before dashing off again before Lavi could question me. I ran out of the building of the Order and into the storm.

I ran through the rain and trees that surround the Order before tripping and sliding into the mud, scrapping my hands. I pushed myself back up onto my feet as I wondered through the trees before reaching the edge of the cliff; I looked around before falling to my knees. I let the mud soak into my pants as I was slowly drenched by the rain.

Quiet footsteps where heard coming up behind me as I didn't bother to look, thinking that it's just Lenalee trying to get me to go back inside with her but I won't. I didn't want to hear anymore of her and everyone's lies.

"Ne, Allen-kun why are you out here in the rain crying?" My head shot up and looked at the owner of the voice, there stood Road under the umbrella – Lero – eating a lollipop with her head tilted to the side. She wore her usual attire of her white long sleeve shirt, red tie, navy blue skirt and pink striped socks with black shoes.

I looked away from her and pulled my knees to my chest, not really caring what the Noah girl would do to me if my back was turned. I stared at my lap as my arms hid the bottom half of my face. "My… My Master's dead… Someone or thing killed him in the Order… But I don't believe his dead… He can't be. He was the last bit of family I had."

"That's not true, Allen-kun. I and the rest of the clan are your family. We may not be related by blood but we consider each other family and we consider you family." Road crouched down beside me, wrapping her arms around me as she still somehow held the umbrella in her hands. I closed my eyes as I relaxed into Road's warm embraced.

I cracked open my eyes as I stared in front of me. "Road… Do you know how much it hurts? It hurts to breath, move and live without people to love you or love them. I didn't want people to love me in fear that they would die or disappear but I grew to consider them family but when the only person you consider family above anyone else dies… Your world crumbles to pieces… I want my heart to stop aching every time someone tells me that Cross is dead or reminds me of Mana. I just wanna stop hurting, Road."

I sobbed as Road rubbed my back in a soothing way while trying to shush me. I hid my face in my lap as Road tried to calm me down, even if only a little. "Ssh, everything will be okay Allen. I'll love you and fill the hole in your heart that has been put there from the loss of your family. Please, don't cry Allen, tears don't suit you. You look better when you smile."

Road smiled gently down at me as I uncurled slightly from my ball and fisted my hands into the back of her shirt as I pulled her into a hug; she rubbed my back as she rested her head on my chest. Rushed footsteps met my ears as I slowly opened my eyes, releasing Road from the hug as I pushed myself up onto my feet.

A gasp was heard behind me as I slowly looked at the owner of the gasp, it appeared to be Lenalee with a Lavi standing behind her with a blank look. I gave them a broken smile as Road hugged my waist, the rain having stopped falling. "Hey guys… What's wrong? What's the matter?"

"Allen, why is SHE here?" Lenalee took step forward in the mud, her innocence activated in a moment's notice as she looked at me warily.

"Oh, Road's just here to visits her family… Don't worry she's not attacking the Order. So your family won't be harmed yet but I can't say anything about future events." I looked down at Road who just smiled up at me and directed a glare at Lenalee.

Road stuck her tongue out at Lenalee as one of her doors appeared behind her, I looked over at Lenalee as I grinned at her with no happiness but only despair. "Lenalee do you know what I long for?"

Lenalee was taken a back at the questions and didn't respond but just sputtered nonsense. I looked down at Road from the corner of my eye. "I long for a place where I can be myself. I longed for a place where they didn't judge me for what I am and what I'm becoming. I wanted to belong and consider you all family but after the Ark you all didn't trust me anymore. Cross was the last thing I consider family and when you guys announce him dead… You broke me… You destroyed what you once thought was Allen Walker. I'm now just a hallow shell walking and waiting for someone to bring me into their embrace and care. I long for love and I mean real love and not the love you guys gave me."

I hissed as I wrapped my right arm around Road's waist as I turned around, looking over my shoulder at them. "I hope you two feel loved while it lasts because I'll be back to destroy it."

With that Road and I entered her door and disappeared, leaving a shocked Lenalee and Lavi.

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 **Hello My Lovely Readers~!**

 **This is just a short One-Shot that RedAllen helped me with by giving me the idea. I had a lot of fun writing this cause I like writing these sorta things, and I just enjoy causing Allen pain/sorrow/misfortune for unknown reason. The ending of this story was meant to be sad but I think I made it sweet or something... Oh, I wasn't meant to do that but anyway~**

 **Please Review~!**

 **KillerAkuma Destroying Her Way Outer Her~**


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